Monday, March 30, 2009

Ok... So I'm a pisces?

Thats my excuse for being so emotional, sensative, wishy-washy, and blah, just emotional and retarded. When something bad happens I'm always thinking the worst, and I'm always quick to end stuff. I need to learn to just calm down and think things out and take it slow. Relationships have their ups and downs. But for the past month its been nothing but ups and downs, I feel like Im riding a dick. But I'm willing to fight for what I want and I'm not gonna lose the man I'm in love with. I'm a stubborn person, and I'll get what I want. I just gotta learn how to be in love.. I'm new at it, but I'm gonna start making big changes in the way I deal with all the bumps in the road, starting right now.

Oh and p.s. I dunno why I picked this picture, or why it looks like this woman has cellulite on her upper coochie.. It was just different, and I liked it... Not the cellulite on the coochie.. but the picture.. ahh nevermind, good night.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Alone in Love

I cant even begin to express how I feel. I thought I had found the man I wanted to spend my life with, and then this happens, and everything comes crashing down. Well, I dont want to say crashing down. It has been crumbling for a little while now. I feel like I'm so in love and he doesnt care enough. I feel like maybe I loved too much, if thats even possible. I dont know what to do. I feel helpless, worthless, hurt, betrayed, lied to, uncared about, disappointed, and the list goes on. He has the nerve to say, "I love you and I want to be with you. Maybe your right, we should move on I think you will be happier." Who are you to tell me whats gonna make me happy? Cuz if my memory serves me right, it was YOU that made me happy for the past year. YOU and thats it. Nothing else. So what do I do now? Where do I go from here? Im lost. Im heartbroken.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Always and Forever...

Im 20 years old and I feel that I have already found the man I wanna spend the rest of my life with. It scares me and it frequently enters my mind that a person hardly ever spends their life with the first person they fell hardest for or actually fell in love with. I've never been in a relationship like the one I'm in now. I've never been heart broken and I've never been so emotional and passionate about a relationship before. I've never cared at all, let alone this much. It's scary, even more so than I can express. I want things to work out cuz I dont know what I would do without him. All I know is I would do anything for him. He's always on my mind. He's the one thats got me up at 3 am just thinking about the future and how things are gonna work out. He's the one thats got my heart.

I really do feel like women get into relationships deeper and faster than men do. We go on one date and we get home like, "I can see myself with him forever" or we're already planning the wedding. I think it's all just in our nature and in our blood to just feel a certain way, a different way than a man would. Which is why I think we take it harder when it comes crashing down. Now lemme just say, I'm not speaking for all women at all. I know there are some of you strong women out there that date like a man so you dont get played like a bitch and what not.... I swear I use to be like that. I just didnt care about a date or a good night kiss.. but now I'm completely different. And you dont realize how special a simple kiss is until you're in a long distance relationship and you dont get kisses every night :( I'm telling you its horrible!
Relationships and love are just scary, not to mention marriage. Vowing to spend your ENTIREEEE life with one person. Thinking that you and that one person are gonna get along FOREVER?.. Damn, that takes a lot. I dont believe in divorce, so once I'm married, that's it. Like my parents for example. They were married for 15 years, got divorced, and now they are back together. Not happily but they are back together. It's crazy. They alwaysss fight and bicker like a married couple, but somehow it's different. It's not how a married couple should act. Growing up around all the arguments and fighting has shown me what I definitely do not want when I get married, and I try to tell my sisters that the relationship my parents have isn't a healthy one.
"There is no remedy for love but to love more."-Thoreau
But anyways... I'm off to bed.. good night!

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Soooo, I've really been thinking about it...

I went to meet with a recruiter from the United States Navy and I cant say that I was disappointed. He told me everything I wanted to hear and some things that I really didn't but the things I didn't wanna hear weren't so bad. Im 20 years old and have nothing to show for it. I went to beauty school, and didnt finish. I dont have a job, IM A BUM!!!! Something I would be interested in doing is something in law enforcement. And the navy has jobs in law enforcement so I could be doing that and learning about what I wanna do when I get out and be getting paid at the same time. Four years in the navy is nothing really. I think I could definitely do it. As long as I have no commitments back home ::hint::hint::... but only time will tell. I cant keep putting my life on hold and do nothing but wait and wait and wait. If actions were being taken I would do everything I could to stay and make it work... But enough about that.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Heart Broken

Die, went home alone.. HALT, who goes there? ...the shot wasn't strong enough, air ball... I have a lot to say but it wouldn't be fair to write a blog on the raw emotions that I'm feeling now, it would be mostly filled with anger. So I'll wait...

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Uh Ohhhhh!!..

Today is do or die time. Go big or go home alone. Today everything will either all begin or come to a screeching HALT!.. Buzzer beater, will he make it?!

Details coming tomorrow!

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

I Just Wanna Be...

"Never looking back, or too far infront of me... The present is a gift, and I just wanna BE." - Common

Thats gotta be one of my favorite quotes from a Common song EVER! And I never really understood them till I listened to the song tonight. Right now in my life I just wanna BE. I just want to do what I gotta do and take everything in and not have to deal with bullshit and disappointment anymore. I want things to work out for me. I want people to say they are gonna do something and then do it. I want to find a way to make my parents proud of me. I want to finally just grow up and do me. I want people in my life that are gonna support me and help me and not hold me back. I want to come back to Pittsburgh and chill with friends and actually have shit to talk about and hear stories about how they're bettering their lives instead of talking about old high school shit. I just want things to be different. I wanna start doing more for other people. I want to start seeing a change around me. I'm sick of the same enviroment. I wanna stop being so naive and realize just because I'm giving someone X amount of chances, doesn't mean its gonna work out in my favor. I just want change. I just really wanna BE.

Monday, March 9, 2009


So I have decided to show you all what my old room has now turned into. I dont like what it has become but this is what happens when you leave your room to a 13 year old girl :(... BLAHHHH!!! It looks like the headquarters for the Jonas Brothers fan club or something. I remember when I had an N'sync fascination and my mother would never let me put up posters on the wall cuz she was afraid it would eff up the paint job. this is some BS.!

Luckily my "roommate" only has a few posters up on her side of the room...

And this is my wall... on my side of the room... I didnt bring any of my posters or pictures back from California. I completely forgot. But no worried :( ...I'll get some new ones soon.

So lately, I've been trying to drink more water and milk. I dont drink nearly enough of either of them. I gave up soda for Lent. I'm not a very religious person. Only for the simple fact I dont go to church every sunday. I'm the typical christmas, easter, funeral church goer. But I still talk/pray/thank God all the time. So it's whatever...
But back to me drinking water and milk. Just by cutting back on soda I've noticed a big difference in my weight and my complexion. Its crazy. And then I started drinking water and that just made everything better. I've also been walking/running and working out everyday. Being back home has made me just wanna be a better person all around and get inshape a little bit. Oh, and as for milk. I can only stomach like one glass a day.. I think milk is the most disgustinggggg thing ever. I can honestly only drink milk in cereal and when I'm eating cookies. But gimme some chocolate milk and I'll destroy an entire gallon in a day.

Saturday is the St. Patrick's Day parade in Pittsburgh. Everyone here makes a big deal out of it, as they should, cuz its one of the most fun days in the city. I'll definitely be attending. Theres always the parade, where most of the adults and younger children are, and then there is Market Square, where all of us go to get drunk lol... I've been arrested so many times in Market Square on St. Patty's Day. I think last year may have been the first year I didn't get arrested, and that's only cuz I wasn't drunk. Hopefully this year I don't get arrested and I can just have a good time.. But only time will tell and there will be pictures, i promise.

I've been kinda stressed a lot lately but hopefully this weekend will be different and I can just relax and just be happy... But I'm not gettin my hopes up ::sigh::... Happy Monday! :-

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Diddley Doo...

I just decided that I'm gonna be adding more pictures and stuff to my blogs. I got a new camera for christmas and I really haven't been using it too much cuz it was a pain in the butt to upload pics onto the computer I had out in Cali. But I figured out how to do it on this computer. So definitely expect more pics.

And I've been noticing that people take this bloggin stuff very serious. Are people getting paid for doing blogs or something? Please let me know where I can sign up. I'll step my game up, scouts honor.

Oh, and I realized today that I'm quick with some stuff, such as reflexes, lies, and I'm a quick eater. But when it comes to comebacks and stuff, I'm slow as hell. Someone said something to me today. I dont really recall what the person said and I just stood there like "damn, he really got me with that one." BUT THENNNN.. like 2 hours later I was at home watching Pitt shit on UConn and I thought of a comeback and it was sooo good. Stuff like that happens to me all the time ::sigh::.. Its crazy cuz I can lie instantly and think of something really good and believable but when it comes to comebacks, I'm like syrup... slow as hell, but not sticky... But yeahhh. I guess I'm off to bed now. Set your clocks forward!

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Shew Fly.. DON'T Bother Me!

So the weather in Pittsburgh has been amazing. It was just 75 degrees yesterday. So we had the doors and the windows open, getting fresh air into the house. I even did some spring cleaning a little bit early. But as I was sitting watching t.v. I heard a noise. The most annoying and frustrating noise everrrrr. I would rather listen to a car alarm go off for 45 minutes. Or a woman with long ass nails claw at a chalkboard before I have to hear the sound I heard. I thought I was gonna pull out my hair or scratch my eyes outtt!... It was the sound of....


A fly like flying passed my ear. OMFGG!>!asdlfkjaisfdgjasldjf.. I hate that sound more than anything. Then I get all paranoid, and then I feel like flies are all over me... GRRRR!... But yeah.. Just thought I'd share that. Hopefully everyone has an enjoyable Sunday.. and dont forget to watch UNC -vs- duke at 4 pm :)

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Bullshit and Distance...

So as you all know, I'm back in Pittsburgh, AND back at my parents house. It's crazy cuz I find myself getting into the same drama and same situations with my parents and my sisters. The same drama that basically ran me out of the house in the first place. I was really on my own out in California. I did what I wanted, I had my OWN room, didnt havent to share any of my shit with anyone. Then I come back here and I'm forced to share and do shit I dont wanna do. And I find my clothes missing or misplaced cuz I have a 13 year old sister that just so happens to be just as tall as me and happens to fit into a lot of my stuff. Not to mention my make up that she thinks she can just take. My mom will buy her make up, I gotta buy my own. And they use my lotion and my bodywash and my face wash and they are just SO DAMN NOSEY! Ahhhh! It's driving me crazy.

So with all that being said, lately, I've been asking myself, "why did you come back here? You had independence out in Cali. You didnt have to deal with any of this." Then I remember... I came back for Him. I came back cuz the distance was killing me. Love makes you do crazy crazy things but as long as I have him nothing seems crazy to me. It just feels right. He's the light at the end of my tunnel. He's the smile at the end of my day. And he's the reason I can deal with all this drama and negativity with no problem. Ahh, love love love....

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Zero Tolerance

I'm not proud of myself, but today I threatened an 11 year old girl and clowned her infront of all her friends and for a good 6 minutes, I was the coolest and funniest person in my little sister's 6th grade class room.

But lets start at the beginning of the story, before you start to think I'm a bad person...

I come home yesterday afternoon from the mall around 4:15. I hear my littlest sister, and my current "roommate," Nicole in the living room crying, and I see my dad pacing back and fourth in the kitchen. I ask what's going on and my dad said something along the lines of, "someone tried to bully your sister at school today." I go sit down next to my sister in the living room and ask for the whole story. She begins to tell me that some girl was sitting on her bookbag in the hall at the end of the day. Nicole asked her to get up cuz she had a bus to catch, the girl then replied, "I dont give a fuck where you gotta go." So my sister pulled the bookbag from under the girls fat ass behind and the girl fell and hit her head on a locker or something. Then she gets in MY sisters face talking about she's gonna punch her and all this other bullshit. Mind you, my little sister is very tiny for her age and this girl is very BIG for her age. Nicole told me people had to pull this girl back off her so she didnt do anything. Then she told me that this girl has fought atleast 5 or 6 other kids, boys and girls. She was so scared that didnt want to go to school the next day.

Needless to say I was pissed off. My parents were planning on going to the school with my little sister tomorrow (today) and talking to the principle or guidence counselor or someone. I told Nicole I would walk her to class and talk to her teacher who I met a few years ago at a faculty vs student basketball game.

So after I talked to Nicole a little bit and showed her some fighting technics she wasnt scared anymore.

So this morning we all got ready and went down to her school. My parents went to the office while I went up to Nicole's room to talk to Mr. Bonacci. We get up there and theres kids in the room but no teacher, so I'm sitting there waiting for him and Nicole points to this tall, rounded girl that walks into the room and says, "thats her." I start cracking up. It was extremely funny to me that this ugly little girl with fake cinderella press on nails was trying to come at my little sister all crazy and sideways. She starts talking shit to everyone in the room and she's just loud and ignorant for no reason. Then she stares my sister down like she's gonna do something and then the clowning begins. I came at this little girl from every aspect I could. From her weight to her hair to her nails to making assumptions about her family. I couldnt help it. All I was thinking about was my little sister laying on the couch crying and too scared to come to school. I just couldn't stop making fun of this girl. Kids were laughing at my jokes and laughing at her and this is EXACTLY what I wanted. I wanted her to be embarrassed. And I went over to her desk and bent down and looked at her in her eyes and said, "If you ever touch my little sister or get up in her face again, I'll wait for you after school, I'll follow your bus home, and I'll beat the fuck outta you before you even reach your front door."

As soon as I got done saying it, the teacher walked in and I told him I had to talk to him outside of the room. And the threats didnt stop with the little girl. I ended up threatening the teacher by accident. I said something like, "If anything happens between that beast of a girl and my little sister in YOUR classroom and you dont do anything about it, I'll make sure you never teach in another school in PA ever again." LOLLL.. I was like a fuckin monster today.

I came home and felt kinda bad, but not bad enough to let it keep me down. What I learned from all this is bullying needs to stop AND dont mess with my family cuz I will do whatever I can to make your life hell. And my sister just got home from school and said the girl didn't even talk to her today HAHA! So I did my job.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Birthdays Shemerthdaysssss

So, besides the fact that I had one of the worst birthdays in a while, the store my mom bought my little cookie cake at obviously just lets anyone ice and letter the cakes now. LOL.. But whatever. I'm grown now. No longer a teenager but not completely legal. Stuck in the middle ::sigh::
My entire family and a few friends usually call me "Bug." And Bug has been the name on all my cakes since I can remember. But this year my mom said shes not doing it cuz I'm grown up now and putting "Bug" on her 20 year old daughter's cake didnt seem right. So she just got my name. Which is fine to me.. I dont really care either way. Its just a cake. My grandma called me today and forgot that it was my birthday until my aunt remindered her. LOL.. But she's like 84, so I cant blame her. She told me birthdays start to not matter so much after awhile and I couldn't agree with her more. Birthdays suck. I dont like feeling older.
My birthday consisted of:
-Laying in bed all morning without being bothered, which was weird but amazing
-My younger sister Nicole and me cleaned OUR room. Ugh..
- Got chinese food :)
- Cut the cookie cake
... So yeahhh, thats about it... Hope your weekend was better than mine.